By Terry Sullivan

Found on the marketing department floor

American writer Terry Sullivan is the latest guest journalist to grace our pages. And he has some pretty cool industry insiders as contacts…
We number among our faithful readers some of the finest whisky makers,connoisseurs and spirits industry executives in the world. Luckily, we also number among our readers a few humbler folk—those who sweep up and empty the trash bins in the offices of those very executives. Herewith, some new product plans that failed to make the cut, found on marketing department floors from Bardstown to Bruichladdich.Captain Macallan: the original spiced malt, from a recently discovered Pictish recipe. Label illustrated with a picture of the old Cap'n himself, aboard his frigate with his pet Puffin perched on his shoulder.Highland Pork: 10 years in sherry casks, finished with a year in an American pork barrel. A custom distillation for the U.S. Senate dining room, available by special order elsewhere. Jim Murray says "Sticks to your ribs."Belvedere Blonde—filtered through the hair of a thousand Polish virgins. We expect a "Euro-Hit!"Marl Bowmore: A step beyond peat, this super-premium malt is made from barley lovingly dried over smouldering trays of Marlboro cigarettes. Made for the Italian and French markets, an American export version is available, using smoke from Marlboro Extra Light 100s.SUSH-O: Created for California fusion restaurants—a lively blend of saki and Diet Fresca.Mesmer-Ize: A ready-to-drink alternative to Hypnotiq, a tantalising marriage of mango, ginko-biloba, and marble-aged neutral grain spirits—all in a bright pink bottle.Edge-o-England Dry Gin: A pure rectified spirit, steeped in essence of heather and gorse, filtered through a 10-yard section of Hadrian's Wall.Absolute Ancient: For the discriminating vodka drinker—aged for a full 12 years in wood-grain Formica barrels. "All the age, none of the taste," Wine and Spirits Magazine. $179 US/750 ml.Old Ironsides: A 19th Century-style American Bourbon, aged eight years in old nail kegs. Michael Jackson called it "rich, with oaky vanillins tempered by a late, spicy rustiness."Glen More-Orangey: The perfect breakfast tipple. The familiar highland malt vatted with Florida orange juice, from concentrate, with pulp.La Frog: Islay via Provence. Ten years in new French oak, with a light touch of Pernod-steeped malt. Easy to drink, easy to pronounce.Glen Prosciutto: Smokey malt and smoked ham—a meal in every glass from Diageo/Martini-Rossi.Guinnette: Our old black favourite is back, and now it's light and low- carb, for a new generation. 50 easy calories of Dubli-ciousness.Jamie Oliver Twist Lemon-Oregano Premium Vodka: just give the screw-top a twirl, and Bob's your uncle's personal chef. Perfect with spag bol.George Walker Bush-mills: An Anglo-Irish-American collaboration aged six weeks and slow-filtered through Tony Blair's ego. Two sips and you won't know what you're doing.Crack-erJack: For the folks who've gone beyond colas—Tennessee sippin' whiskey in a stable crack cocaine suspension. (Sorry—the original Jack and Smack is no longer available outside certain inner city markets.)Bruichladdich Big Gulp: Specially packaged for the American convenience store customer—the Laddie in a new, disposable 9.75 litre bottle.Tequiskey: A blend. Finally, something to sip with those enchiladas in Inverness. Packaged in a colourful pinata—you'll love watching your guests line up to beat it open.Bag-a-vulin: Smoky Islay whisky in a convenient plastic pouch— just the thing if you're likely to be patted down before the match.Ukrainian Kreme: New for the EuroMarket. Octo-distilled vodka cleverly blended with shelf-stable goats' milk. You'll never go Irish again.Distiller's Really Really Really Select Bourbon. Made from the corn of a single row of stalks, aged in the oak of a single tree, and bottled in the kitchen of the master distiller, who delivers it to your door. Production limited to one bottle per year.Glendoughtyphree: A blend of rare mustiness, foot-reek and essence of MacIntosh flavors, carefully married for the discerning discount air-traveller's taste.