By Fred Minnick

It's the end of the world

We find our man contemplating a dystopian future
I poured myself two fingers neat of a new-to-me Bourbon and opened my computer to the news. The leading story included the words “robots rise up” in the title. Basically, the authors suggested artificial intelligence and robots are taking over, so humans may consider adding microchips to their brains to catch up.

A few stories later, NASA failed to detect a large meteor that nearly smashed into earth. This story, of course, led to “alien” articles with theories of the Zika virus connected to meteors and alien scout ships.

Then, I clicked on a starving polar bear video that was meant to prove climate change and show our earth was near death, you know, because of our iPhones, SUVs and cutting down trees.

All that was missing in this newsfeed: vampires, werewolves and zombies breed to create a super species that controls our minds via remote Russian hackers.

Finally, the really disturbing news popped up: North Korea. Nuclear war. President Trump preparing for war. Ugh. Yeah, many end-of-the-world stories populate the news feed these days. Other than a massive virus hitting the planet (hope I didn’t jinx us), we’ve covered all of the apocalyptic angles.

Which brings me to whiskey. I got to thinking what will I do with all my whiskey when tanks are rolling, marshal law in place and governments collapse. That’s when it hit me – Whiskey is currency.

Back in the old days, spirits were used in bartering. Want my goat? Fine, I’ll take two barrels of whiskey. Oh, I need your pistol. “That’ll be two pints of your best whiskey,” the seller would say.

Hell, whiskey was even used to bribe voters in Kentucky in the 1800s. Does that surprise anybody?

If you’re like me, you’ve built a collection and are looking at bottles every day, wondering when you will open that rare William LaRue Weller. But you have no problem pouring the mainstay Bourbons, like Woodford Reserve, all day long.

Maker's Mark has a lot of value and you may be able to trade Pappy for a house


So, let’s apply some apocalyptic rationale to your Bourbon bunker. When the world ends, people will run straight to the grocery store, gas station, liquor store and rip everything off the shelf, probably killing a few people in the process. In America, where we have impulse issues, they’ll probably consume the majority of this fairly quickly. Then, people will start robbing liquor stashes they know of. That means, my office is toast, and that bar you bragged about on Instagram? Well, you’ve now got company.

From here, a new type of society will set in. Good people will put an end to mass thievery and create a Wild West-like justice, and whiskey will once again be currency. Should you survive the initial waves of madness, your Maker’s Mark has a lot of value and you may be able to trade Pappy for a house.Question is what bottles do you drink now vs keep back for the end of days?

Let’s analyse the times. There will likely be no power, running water or hot stoves in this world, so your potential buyers may not have the goods you need for extremely rare bottles. You’ll also find that you’re now the target of bad guys if the word gets out you own 2013 Four Roses Limited Edition Small Batch. My recommendation – enjoy the rare stuff now, because you won’t realise its value in the end of days. Plus, an Eagle Rare 17 Years Old may retain “shots by the glass” value. Who knows, maybe you could be the official end-of-the-world tavern in your neighbourhood?

If you know how to make alcohol, you’ll be in high demand! I predict the greatest apocalyptic whiskey will be in the mid-tier range: Woodford, Old Forester, Four Roses Single Barrel, Bulleit, Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam Black, Knob Creek, Wild Turkey 101 and Evan Williams. You may be able to get a horse for two Knob Creeks and become governor with Wild Turkey minis for votes.

This new world will put a premium on whiskey. It will aid in medicine, lubricate your feelings and give one a reminder of the old days. Enjoy your good stuff now and maybe save a little to distract you from the Robot Vampires formed after the meteor met a nuclear warhead.