If it wasn't so tragic, it would really be quite hilarious.
As I typed this column, a certain highly bronzed, 70-year-old man was being sworn in to arguably the most powerful position in the world. Even over 3,500 miles away and without actually physically doing anything, the new US President had already had a profoundly fateful impact on me. It struck me then that his first 100 days in office might also have a serious impact on the whisk(e)y industry - so much so, that I started to jot a few notable things down. You can either laugh or cry at them. In this Post-Truth Age, I'm not entirely certain of the accuracy of the facts obtained, but why should that matter? It didn't seem to bother the US electorate…
Day 1: Trump takes aim at William Grant & Sons
An easy target, but spare a few thoughtful seconds for all those folks working tirelessly at Glenfiddich, Grant's, Monkey Shoulder and The Balvenie - in fact anything whisky related in the company's burgeoning portfolio of big global brands. Back in 2012 the company riled the would-be President by sponsoring an award, which proclaimed farmer Michael Forbes, a passionate and outspoken critic of Trump and his new Scottish golf course, the 'Top Scot' of the year. Trump responded by stating that all WG&S whiskies would be withdrawn and subsequently banned from his properties globally. Hmmm. This could escalate somewhat. Could it not? If I was a WG&S global ambassador or senior marketing executive on my way out to the US right now, I'd keep very quiet about who I worked for… That travel ban might just be extended to you too…
Day 5: Trump whisky declared greatest of the century
Those of you who keenly follow the excellent WhiskyCast.com, edited by Mark Gillespie, will be familiar with a story it covered back in January, when a signed bottle of 26 Years Old The GlenDronach single malt, bottled 'exclusively to commemorate the launch of Trump International Golf Links', was auctioned for a cool £6,000. Shortly after the auction, the President's spokesman called a press conference, where he described the taste of the whisky as 'Incomprehensibly brilliant. The best and biggest and like, totally more luxurious than anything made by those bad dudes at Glenfiddich. End of story.' The hammer price of the auction is now under investigation, after a flurry of erroneous bidding activity was detected in Russia and the FBI started to get involved.
Day 28: All US Bourbon to be, by federal law, matured in Trump Wine (TM) casks
The Bourbon community was rocked by the shock news that Title 27 of the Code Of Federal Regulations, established by The Federal Standards of Identity for Distilled Spirits has been 'literally torn up' by the new Commander-in-Chief's powerful, muscular hands and a new set of specific regulations drafted regarding the maturation of US-consumed Bourbon. One element in particular relates to all newly distilled spirit having to be matured in ex-Rosé wine casks exclusively obtained from the Trump Winery estate in Virginia, giving the resulting bourbon a delicate, floral 'Taste Of Trump'.
Day 53: US/Scotland relations become so strained that the President orders new transatlantic wall to be built
Yes, you read that correctly. After a disastrous State visit to the country, where the President was snubbed by leaders of the Scottish Parliament, plans are drawn up for the 'immediate construction of a 2,000 mile wall, running the entire length of the Eastern Seaboard from Maine to Miami'. The cost of the ambitious build is estimated to run into trillions of dollars. However, the President is keen to point out that 'Scotland will be paying for every single brick', or at least supplying enough deep-fried Mars bars to 'keep the thing afloat'. Don't have nightmares, dear readers. Do sleep well.